Quote

I fight through the pain

So that one day I might live again

Let’s Stay Together!

3-step plan for longevity
by Moira McMahon

It seems like everyone is breaking up! Move-outs, divorces, bust-ups are everywhere. But if you look past the people throwing plates across the kitchen, perhaps right next door - there are plenty of couples who are staying together for as long as they both shall live.

The thing is, longevity has a lot going for it. First, it grounds you in a world full of change. This leads to greater productivity and better overall happiness. Again and again, studies show that being in a long-term stable relationship brings joy and contentment. Many believe we are literally made to share our lives with one other person. So why is it so hard?

Well, it's counter to the ego. The ego wants to isolate, criticize and dominate. Most relationships don't last very long if two egos are running the show. So swallow your pride and give in to love. Then make it last by following these four steps.

1. Ebb and flow
A few years with the love of your life and you may find yourself in a lull of passion, connection and even basic respect for your partner. This is just as temporary as the high you had when you first met. And it will pass. Most relationships follow a "darkest before the dawn" kind of pattern. Things must become painful for both people to grow through their intimacy fears and reach out to their partner.

A romantic life-commitment partnership is like two spinning orbs of lights rebounding off each other. Each time they connect, they shine brighter as one. But the cost to make that connection is to face and walk through fear. Your only choice is where you are going to reach for connection. By reaching in to the relationship, you affirm the relationship. By reaching out of the relationship (isolating, obsessing on hobbies, over-working, looking for sexual gratification from others) you are denying your relationship. The relationship is still there - you just have to turn toward it. This is the ebb and flow of human intimacy.

The ability to stick around as your partner turns away from the relationship is the essence of longevity. Because just as you will have to exercise loving patience for your partner, they will exercise loving patience for you. No couple that has been together for a long amount of time says that every day was paradise. But what they do say is that when times weren't good, they turned to each other to get through.

2. Communicate!
Love means never saying, "You always___." Love allows both people to have a different reaction to each other and the world. Love always gives someone another chance to connect. So before you go to, "I would communicate but my partner always ignores me/argues/leaves the room/doesn't understand, etc." you must try again. An intimate connection to another person is a deeply sacred calling.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking it's up to your partner to communicate with you. Most relationships have one person who naturally communicates better than the other. So if you feel like you always go first, good! Go first. Even if you are not the "talkative one," if you are ignoring a call to speak, you are cosigning for communication breakdown. Seek out couple's counseling if you don't feel emotionally safe talking out some issues. There's a sense of "leveling the field" when you can talk in front of an impartial third party.

3. Nurture sex
Then there is a pure language of love, which does not have words. This is the sexual connection you feel for your partner. Sexual intercourse doesn't have to be the goal, but touching and hugging, complimenting and overall physical contact needs to be the ongoing communication that comforts both parties through the verbal communication. So sometimes, even if you are mid-process of locking horns, quiet yourself and reach out to touch and comfort your partner. And if this does lead to great lovemaking - that's one more perk to longevity.

4. Reverence
Most of us can recall our resentments very quickly and relay details as though it were yesterday. But when it comes to gratitude, we have one-day amnesia. The gratitude you felt yesterday is the empty space of today. You must actively list the things you love about your life and your life-partner. It can be as simple as enjoying the smell of your partner on your pillow, the familiarity of your shared home, the memories of happy times together. A long-term relationship is like our health - we take it for granted until it deteriorates. And if you really want to feel the divine connection, read your list to your partner. A relationship is about sharing, so share it.

The value of your relationship is only determined by the way you value it. So if you feel like you are drifting away, put your connection to your partner before everything else. The relationship can only benefit from your renewed commitment to it. So start with you. Love has a way of spreading. So if you want more, give more. Chances are, you'll discover that the love you are looking for is already there.

SOUL MATES

When you meet your soul mate,
this person will have an instantaneous effect on you.
A soul mate is someone who makes your knees go weak
and takes your breath away.
With but a single glance they lessen your burden,
and but a smile, touch your heart.

You will feel a sense of total connection with this person.
They will touch you so deeply on so many levels
that you will want to share you innermost secrets.
For the first time in your life
someone will make you feel almost like a god.
Once you have met your soul mate, for better or sometimes worse,
your life will never be the same...

One of the things which makes this encounter so unique
is the sense of a profound spiritual experience.
You both feel like this is meant to be
and that you've been together before in a past incarnation.
When you meet your soul mate something happens —
the deep yearning, the compelling energy drawing you
to become physically intimate overwhelms many...

Nothing will have ever felt so right...
There's a sense of safety with this person.
You knowingly let go of your defenses
as a deep empathic bond is formed.
Unlike any other relationships you may have had,
there will be no game playing or hidden agendas, only truth...

There is something about the passion you share with a soul mate
that goes so far beyond just the physical body.
For a moment in time you two are the only
ones who exist in the universe.
Hearts beating in rhythm as your souls
have intertwined themselves becoming one.
Your spiritual energies meld and you feel the flame of creation
move through you like a wave of the ocean on a hot summer's day.
Soon you begin to lose track
of where you begin and your partner ends...

From within the depths of your exquisitely passionate union,
your soul mate will know exactly how and where to touch you.
It will be different, more intense, and more gratifying
than any lover from your past...
And more electrifying than anything you have ever imagined...
They will look into your eyes
and you will feel your soul open wide.
For some people, there is the "rush".
All the love, all the lust,
and all the need will surge forth
from your soul like captives from a cage.

At this moment you will know
what it means to get lost within someone's eyes.
You will experience a realization you have never felt before
and your desire and passion will rise to new levels.
But in the end, as you lay there,
as the warm afterglow begins to fade,
you will realize what just happened was not merely sex.
Sex pales in comparison to what you have just experienced...
To put it simply, your soul mate will be able
to make love to you in ways no one else will ever be able to match...

~~ Unknown~~
(and somewhat embellished by the Goddess, who knows of what she speaks —
your life will never, ever be the same...)

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Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind. - Evan Esar

Someone Who Cares

When someone knows your weakness
But loves you anyway
And they will always be there for you
Each and every day

When someone will stop and listen
When you're feeling low
When someone cares so very much,
So much to let you go

When someone is willing to do without
So your life is complete
And they will give you courage
When you have faced defeat

When someone is this special,
You know they're from above
And there's a place within your heart
Filled with special love

Thank you for everything
I hope these words convey
The love I feel for you
Each and every day.

Excellent advice!!

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option...

The Male Midlife Crisis

How to recognize the symptoms of male menopause, the weird behavior, what has happened to the man and how it affects him, what a wife should and should not do to help.

Ladies: has your 35-50 year-old man suddenly begun acting even more weirdly than he usually does? Has he hatched plans for giving up his sales job, taking all your savings and going to South America to find a cure for cancer? Or has he shaved his head, bought a surfboard and acquired an 18-year old girlfriend? Or - nothing that extreme, but it seems like you're always fighting, he's wearing shorts in the winter, he's just not himself. He may even ask for a divorce. Hang on, girls, your beloved may be having a midlife crisis, otherwise known as "male menopause."

If you ask him what's wrong, you will not be enlightened by his replies (if there are any). He might say he doesn't know, or that he's just not satisfied with his life; now that the kids are grown he wants to toss the 6 passenger vehicle or the 9 passenger van and buy a sports car, or any number of other like "explanations." He doesn't know what's wrong, he just feels different, and only some big dramatic change can fix it. And you're supposed to go along with this, indeed you're expected to support his plans however they may disrupt your life.

If he would, or could, tell you what's wrong, you might be able to trace this odd behavior back to a time when he stood in front of a mirror and thought: "I'm 40 (or 45 or 55) and my time is limited. Eventually I'll die, but have I really lived? There's so many things I want to try, to do..." And he decides right there and then that he'll start, right now, he won't let another day slip by without catching up. The next thing you know, he's bought a hairpiece that looks like road kill on him, and signed up at the gym. Make no mistake, this is serious - 80% of suicides are men, and the rate at midlife is three times higher. It's a major turning point in his life, and he will never be the same as he was. He may deeply regret his behavior, especially if it is something that has made you miserable, like infidelity, but he can neither explain or control it.

Go ahead and protest. Tell him what will happen if he follows his dream of ditching home, family and job to drive an RV across the country mowing lawns for a living, how you and the children will suffer. If the crisis is serious enough, and lasts long enough, you may find yourself in divorce court, trying to explain how this man you've known since childhood has suddenly turned into a stranger.

It is important, first, to realize that you have no responsibility here. Whatever you say or do will make no difference - it will end as it will end, with or without you. Yet you need to know what's going on with him; otherwise, you'll be blaming yourself - especially if he blames you. All that will do is make you feel worse than you do now, so don't buy into it. It's not true.

It's natural for you to want to take charge, of course. You were raised to be a caretaker, to take care of others, to smooth things out, to nurture and to be responsible for others. Don't try to diagnose, advise or explain what's going on to him, and don't change yourself in the hope of changing him - that kind of work should be done by a professional.

What's Behind It

Everyone from Venus to Pluto must know by now that men are raised to hide their emotions. They do have emotions, however unlikely it seems, but they're buried way deep down inside the whole concept of what it means to be a "man." Men are supposed to be strong, stoic, always in control of themselves. Women can shout with rage, weep, snarl, laugh hysterically, but men aren't encouraged to act out that way; they must keep their cool so they can resolve the problem without emotions entering into it (of course they do, but not officially). Many men act like they don't trust their emotions, like emotions are somehow dangerous and to be avoided at all costs. It's safer to pack them way down inside where they won't pop up suddenly to cause trouble.

But some emotions, such as the fear of death, will not be put off. When a man who has felt a youthful 25 through his 55th year suddenly realizes that he doesn't have that much time left, the shock can throw him into a deep depression and/or a complete freak out. He doesn't know what he should do, but he knows that something must be done. All around him people are dying in the newspapers, on TV, down the block. He's afraid, and he doesn't know what to do with this strange feeling. He's frustrated, wishing he'd picked another career ("You call this job a career?"), another wife, different children or none. He feels trapped in his narrow life that consists of job, home and family. He wants to break free but can't, because the cure will hurt worse than the disease. He's going to resent his wife because she at least can choose whether to work or stay home and he can't - there's too much responsibility riding on his shoulders, which have turned out to be more fragile than he ever suspected. And this may go on for months or even years.

It seems to be almost a criteria for male midlife crisis that a man wants to be supported through this troubling time, but not by his wife. He may say (most often, to a younger, prettier woman) "My wife doesn't understand me." Indeed, it is too often true that his wife understands him all too well. He may feel that considering his fealty, his labors, all the mundane tasks he's devoted his life to ("I've been taking out the garbage every day for 23 years, that's 8,395 trips to the garbage can!) entitle him now to seek a different life, perhaps with a new job or a new woman. Perhaps he'll settle for just having an affair.

So if you can't help him, what can you do?

• You can ride it out. It will require every bit of patience you can summon from your depths or beg or borrow from your support group. And you'll need a support group, as large as you can make it. If you can't find a support group for this exact situation, try Al-Anon - it grapples with some of the same problems. Or start a group yourself.
• Give the kind of help that will actually help. When he turns to you for affection make sure if you reject him, it's for a good reason. Remember, if he doesn't get this from you, he may seek it elsewhere.
• Keep in mind: his recovery is up to HIM.
• Try not to depend on him for your own emotional support at this time, as he's not likely to be able to give it. He's in pain, preoccupied with his own emotional health. You developed your support group for this purpose - use it.
• Give him enough space. He needs time and room to think through his problems himself (or with the help of a therapist). If he wants time alone or with his friends, if he's always at the golf course, don't complain, except to your support group.
• Explore your own independence. Find something uplifting to do: volunteer at the senior center, become a big sister. If he won't go to counseling, go yourself, and learn how to be a non-co-dependent. The more alone-time you can give him now, the better.
• Continue to be nice to him, and to all men. You may be tempted to complain about men in general, but we all know generalizations are never true, including this one. Don't use his crisis as an excuse to "male-bash."
• If you love him, let him know. Be as gentle and helpful as you can without taking any responsibility for his problem. Be sure he knows you still want him sexually, that you still value his efforts on the family behalf - praise him every chance you get. Stay positive about the problem and the relationship.
• If he wants to talk about it, listen. This means active listening, paying close attention to what he's saying and checking to make sure you haven't misunderstood: "What I hear you saying is that you want and need a new car, is that right?" Don't give advice or permission, and don't you dare tell anyone else. JUST LISTEN.
• Suggest some alternatives. Instead of hanging out in bars or moving to South America, "How about trying hang gliding? You've always wanted to do that, haven't you?" Or learning to fly, taking up cooking (or even housework, yeah!), or taking a car trip to Florida. A little thought will turn up dozens of these minor changes - some or all may do the trick for him. If he wants you to participate, do so if at all possible (tip: don't suggest anything you won't do yourself).
• Keep the communication going. Some women believe that the way to keep a man from straying is to give him all the sex he wants, but that's not it. The secret is communication. Just like your children, your husband or boyfriend should feel free to approach you with any problem and find you (1) welcoming, (2) listening actively, (3) eschewing advice (though you may make suggestions) and (4) faithful in keeping their secrets. Especially do not repeat his confidences to your girlfriends, your family, his friends or his family.
• If the marriage breaks, and you do find yourself divorced, consider that the crisis may pass, he may realize that he belongs at home, and ask to come back. What will you do then? And if it doesn't happen, what will you do?
• Remember, most men seek help only when their loved ones insist. Intervention may be necessary.
• Also necessary, exercise, a healthy diet, love, the care of the soul. May be necessary, individual and/or group psychotherapy, medications, their own support group, learning to love the person they are.

All right. You know what's happening and what you can do about it. Now get going!